Has there ever been a time when you were tempted to tell a friend “You’re a right idiot!”, but because you really like them, you’ve bitten your tongue? Here are three euphemisms you could use in those circumstances, but be careful : use them with a smile, otherwise you might lose a friend or two.
You really aren’t the full shilling tonight!
You really are a sandwich short of a picnic today, aren’t you!?
You couldn’t organise a “p…-up” in a brewery!
N.B. The writer is not to be held responsible for any loss of friendship or similar…
um…we say a lame ‘you couldn’t organise your way out of a paper bag’ here.
the ‘shilling’ might be lost on non-Brits.
“Organize” your way out of a paper bag? That sounds funny…
In the States, that one would be “you couldn’t whip your way out of a wet paper bag”, meaning the person is weak and “couldn’t hurt a fly”.
oh wow - the difference in meaning. Ours means you are so unorganised. If I heard someone say “you couldn’t whip your way out of a wet paper bag” I would think they meant someone had no skill - never dreaming they were referring to physical weakness. Fascinating.
It would usually be said to someone who tries to act tough and says something like; “oh, I’d kick his butt if he said that to me.” You’d say; “Yeah, right. You couldn’t whip your way out of a wet paper bag.”
In fact, it’s usually something old folks say. Insults made by the younger generations nowadays aren’t often so clean and playful, as you might imagine.
I’ve heard some of these before, but using different words. Instead of not being able to whip their way out of a paper bag, I’ve only known people who can’t punch their way out of a wet paper bag. And instead of being a sandwich short of a picnic, some people are a couple cans short of a six-pack, or a pickle short of a barrel. I don’t know which is worse.
There are also some people who are not playing with a full deck, and who have a few screws loose. They’re all a little light in the loafers, and they may even have some bats in the belfry. The light is on for them, but no one is home; they are not the sharpest knives in the drawer.
190 ways to insult your friends: Not too bright list
I haven’t got that many friends!
There are always the classic “yo momma” jokes
Your momma’s so dumb she would starve in a grocery store
You have stupid written all over your face
You’d lose your head if it weren’t attached to your neck
And “come backs” to obvious observations:
Thank you Captain Obvious
No shit Sherlock
But seriously, I don’t think I could ever insult my friends. I’ve tried everything. Distasteful jokes and slurs (use your imagination), making fun of their wives, hitting on their sisters, etc. Of course, I’m talking about my “homies”, my friends for life. Man… I feel homesick now. I just moved to Switzerland and left them all behind in the states.
I think the standard ‘yo momma’ jokes were great to use with my friends back when I was 18, but now it seems a bit childish. Good fun though.
Yeah… they’re more jokes than insults. I can’t remember the last time I actually said one to anyone though.